I arrived at the Saloon earlier than my appointed time and grabbed a magazine to entertain
myself as I waited. As I flipped through the magazine an article about a Celebrity who had
finally decided to walk away from her abusive relationship caught my attention. She was tired of
hiding her pain from the world. As I read the article I thought of other women, some close to my
heart who were in the same situation. Some were holding on believing that God would change
their situation. Some were holding on because they could not bear the pain of divorce and the
challenge of raising their children alone. In the same article it was stated that one in four women
in South Africa is physically abused by her intimate partner, according to the South African
Medical Research Council (MRC). One woman is killed every six hours by an intimate partner
and about 65% of South African women admitted to experiencing spousal abuse according to the
World Health Organisation.
Women around the world of different cultures, races and religions are affected by domestic
violence whether directly or indirectly. If women in such relationships overcome victim
mentality and know that they have a purpose much greater which they can still achieve they can
arise to say No to Violence.
How many women, who because of fear of stigmatization or in the name of protecting their
reputation portray a ‘whole’ picture to the world yet they are so broken inside? How many
busines women, leaders in ministry who cannot seek help because they have to show their
followers that they have it all together? How many women hold on to a loveless relationship
because they are threatened by their partners not to share their experiences with anyone? How
many women stay in abusive relationships because they are victimized to think they deserve it
because of their past or wrong they did?
Domestic Violence robs the victims of their dignity, their health: physically, emotionally and
spiritually and these issues hide until they bring them to light. People make a choice to stay or
return to an abusive relationship and whether someone stays or walks away they need to find
healing and restoration. You can pretend to be whole for so long but eventually you will break
down and you do not want your death to be a point of breakdown.
Most people who hold on struggle to answer the questions:
Where do I go?
How do I start if I leave my partner who is the provider?
What will they say?
The desire to be accepted by the community will make the question What will they say more
important to the victim. People will talk even on your death bed. It is better to leave and live if
that is the best option. Do not die in it if you can run. You cannot be pitiful and powerful at the
same time so one needs to choose the path to follow. In my book The King’s dream for His
daughter, Tamary had to rise up from her pity party. She had to work on forgiving herself from
condemnation that she had got herself in the abusive relationship. If you have been or are a
victim of abuse as a woman you need to forgive yourself so that you can find love again whether
self- love or love for a partner. Bitterness comes from blaming oneself that you tolerated
someone to treat you below your value. Forgiving the perpetrator will help you move on if you
want to remain in the relationship. Forgiveness is not tolerance but releasing the person and not
allowing them to continue hurting you.
As other women in the community our place is to support other women who have been affected.
Sometimes they already feel judged so if you are your sister’s keeper the best help is to help the
victim to arise and be a victor. To help them find their hidden dreams in their hearts and arise to
pursue until they achieve the dream. Sometimes all they need is a sister who listens, sometimes
someone who can pray with them and take them back to the father who will restore their self –
esteem. Your pain can be a source of your purpose and if one has been a victim of abuse they
might just need a sister who holds their hand and encourage them to change their story by
helping other women. They say hurting women hurt others but the King’s daughters know that
hurting women arise and help others. Judging a sister in an abusive relationship will only lead
them to hide their stories. They already feel judged, they want to be loved. They want to hear
you tell them that Woman arise!
Everyone may know you as the epitome of a Diva, but do you know yourself as such? In my
book The King’s dream for His Daughter! I state:
“A woman, who knows her self-worth, says no to physical, emotional, sexual and verbal abuse. It
is in refusing to accept it as your fate or identity that you gain strength to stand against it and
eventually get victory.”
She looked me in the eyes with teary eyes as she narrated what had happened the previous night.” I
looked outside of the window, it was all dark and I could only see scattered stars in the sky. My face was
swollen I dreaded to look again in the mirror. My husband who is supposed to be my hero but then
really felt like a monster to me had left for the lounge. I did not bother to worry myself what he was
doing. Questions ran through my mind: What happened to the love we used to share? Where did we
lose our connection? How did we get to this point where my husband uses violence to force submission
out of me? I was afraid. Afraid to face the future. Afraid to lose myself. Afraid to lose my identity. Which
Identity? I used to know who I was but now with all the name calling I have gone through in the
marriage and emotional abuse I don’t know what to believe? My husband is a leader at church, and no
one will believe what he does in doors. No one will believe how angry he is when he is at home” She
looked in the sky as if to search for answers.
March is a month when women celebrate international women’s day. As women are celebrated for their
achievements and impact in the society some women are still in bondage. Wondering who they are and
how they can find themselves. Physical and emotional abuse happens to the guilty and the innocent. I
recall listening to a woman of God, a preacher of the word who had finally left her marriage of many
years because she could not take in the emotional abuse any longer. She said” I tolerated a lot of things
because I was afraid what the society would say but I could not breathe. I could not stay for the children
any longer.”
I state in my book ‘The King’s dream for His daughter!’ “Being a woman is a beautiful thing. When you
know who you are and what God thinks of you, you graduate from being a victim of people and
circumstances. Beauty comes from within, and that beauty is what makes women attractive.”
It is easy to be trapped in one’s fears and self -pity if you have been exposed to abuse. Some say
emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because there is nothing on the outside that shows it. The
wounds are internal and they can be bigger and more sore than the wounds on the skin. Wounds from
physical abuse can be covered by lies that one fell or got burnt but emotional wounds kill one’s self
esteem. Some get into depression, some get into alcohol abuse to suppress it. Which ever way people
try to hide the wound from abuse one has to rise up and find themselves eventually.
Who do you say you are? Who does God say you are? Knowing that you are created for a greater
purpose on earth will help one to rise up and deal with the wounds whether internal or external.
Knowing it is not enough you need to believe it and live it. Woman rise up and find yourself if you can’t
do it by yourself get a mentor or support from outside. You are much more than the circumstances have
defined you to be.
In my book The King
Being a woman is a beautiful thing. When you know who you are and what God thinks about
you, you graduate from being a victim of people and circumstances. Daughter of the King, Arise
and be whole. Whole women lift others to also find wholeness. Arise and let your story give
hope to other women. Woman say no to violence!!
Tafadzwa Mazibuko Inspirational speaker and author.